Pointy Things

(Today, I'm going to write how I talk so here's a taste of my vocalizings!)

Just thinking that I'm at one of those "what's the point?" moments. I have all these goals of what I wanna be doing. And you know what, I'm gunna do them. I'm tired of being annoyed with stuff I "have" to do. I really just want a job that I actually wanna do, but that just seems to be too much to ask sometimes. Really? That's just lame. I think it would be totally sweet to have a job just writing. Writing about whatever is happening or hitting my brain. That would be sweet. Can artists really survive anymore? I feel like artistry has been so romanticized and we're all stuck in stupid jobs doing crap that we swore we'd never do as kids. I guess that's where I'm stuck. In that kid mindset, where we still have dreams that we want to reach and be rockstars and dancers, that's where I am. Thing is, I don't want to be a rockstar or a dancer, and you might not either, but you do wanna be happy.... whatever that means. Excuse me while I fantasize, my ideal little world includes me waking up in the morning to a cup of tea and a beautiful view followed by some strumming on my guitar while nibbling on a bagel. The rest of the day is spent working with animals and kids, just bonding and building relationships. Hanging with friends and not having to be anywhere on time. That's what it boils down to; being on my own time. Who doesn't want that?

I have all the motivation in the world. It's just all trapped inside my head. I could rule the world inside my head. I'll be damned if I can put any of it to action though. You know what I mean? In your head you can blast through the day miraculously, but when it comes to actually doing this you're lucky to accomplish 1/3 of it. That's why life has to be measured some other way. Beyond the crap we accomplish and into the relationships we build. People are more important. There's no question in that for me. So, I'm gunna stop being a wuss.

This is kind of funny to me b'cuz this is how I encourage myself. I literally whine about crap and get insistent on the way I think life should be. It clears me up for a few days at least. How about you? How do you get yourself motivated?

Accomplishing Reality.. or something.

I want to feel like I've accomplished something. One of my biggest fears in life is coming to the end of it, looking back and thinking "What did I do?" What did I do that I'm proud of, that makes me feel like there was a point to me being here, that I can look back at and say "I accomplished something."
I suppose I'm just like everyone though. I don't know a single person who doesn't want to feel like they've made an impact in some way, some how. And I know that I've left/am leaving my mark on some people. There are people who've most definitely left their mark on me. I wonder if those people know that they've influenced me. I wonder if they're sitting around thinking, "Damn, what I have I done with my life?" There are some people I know I would guffaw at if they turned to me and said they felt unaccomplished. And I'm sure I could get the same response from people, maybe even those I look up to.
Yet, here I am, sitting at a low point and feeling pretty darn deficient in my "things I've done that I'm proud of" category. I hate being at one of those going through the motions points of life. I don't want my current actions and state of being to be a means to an end. I want every moment to count for something. Who doesn't?
My struggle comes at the point of deciphering and deciding what to do about it. What do I do about this transitional, transient, uneventful part of my life that I am so apparently dissatisfied with? I don't have a clue. I have all these urges to move, create, build, laugh, experience. I just don't feel like I have the means to be that person. I've spent a lot of my life idolizing people who seemed so free-spirited; longing to be so extraordinary and act so natural. What's funny is that there are people who see me as that kind of person... though I never feel like that kind of person. I just feel like me. Plain Jane, simple, regular.
Right now, I don't know how to compromise these feelings. I have these goals that I just want to rush into. Maybe they're not totally goals, but desires. Sometimes I think I'm only of those people that wasn't meant to live in the real world. Ya know, that world of bill-paying, credential-building, adulty place. I don't think I was made for that. Like I'm Willy Wonka standing in the city  and looking at the normal passersby like they're the weird ones. I don't think I'm made for that place, or rather this place I guess.
I'm in Wonderland or Narnia or something. No wait... I want to be in those places because everything that I feel is right is right in those places. What does that even mean? Those places were made up, but man do I wish I could step through the wardrobe or fall down the rabbit hole and just be there. The fantastic just feels natural, normal. And this place feels heavy, busy, and (in my opinion) destructive. I wonder what it would be like to just act like I'm really in Narnia or Wonderland? I don't mean playing pretend, but to live in this brick and smoggy place like its a world of fantasy. Let me see if I can explain this right because I don't want to sound like someone who's lost there marbles (like Teddy in Peter Pan :-P ).
Why couldn't the ideals that Lewis, Carroll, Tolkein... Barrie... whoever! described be rules to live by? Isn't that what they meant anyhow? Aren't there valuable lessons in those stories? If not, then what's the point of them anyway!?! Maybe the fountain of youth is just not letting go of the ethics of childhood where everyone is fair, friends, and interesting. An opposing idea might say "But that's just not how the world works!" I think that's not how the world works because we have forgotten the innocence and importance of fairness and sharing that were so vital to us as children. Kids have probably got it more right that any degree'd and diploma'd scholar. The most brilliant ideas come from minds that have been unaltered by our grown-up mean, money focused rules and regulations.
This is probably why I feel like I have to be accomplished. I have to turn myself into something so that I can leave behind a marker of the great things I've done. Heck, even the characters in the books do great things... though not usually by common means. I wonder the places that unusual means could take us...

New adventure!

I'm lame for not having updated. I'm sure that all 3.5 people who read this are thoroughly upset. My apologies to the half a person. I'm strongly avoiding saying "so" right now. It seems to be my go-to transition word. And to the point: I'm just gunna post some of my goals for this year. Nope, not calling them resolutions because that's not what they are (in my head).

First goal, I want to be more creative. So far that's working out pretty well. I'm super feeling the guitar playing right now. It's enjoyable and skill-building. Someone suggested I write a song so I may just do that. If I do there will be Youtube links to follow. Being more creative also includes writing. I haven't written or edited or re-read anything in ages. I have no excuse now because I do have access to all of Tanshin and my old works.
(To help myself remember what things I said I would make for people, I'm leaving a note for myself here: Barb-scarf & necklace, Jenn-necklace & baby hat, Karyn-colorful something, Gret-colorful hat, Jessi-hemp anklet.) 

Next goal, I want/need to be healthier. Its pretty lame when you sprint for 30 seconds and start wheezing like an asthmatic, especially when you don't have asthma. I'm planning and working on eating healthier and working out. Yoga is pretty cool, so I'm doing that a bit. I love all kinds of food so you think it would be easy for me to eat better. That's the goal anyhow, which I think is going to lead to me cooking more. Eventually, I hope this leads to me losing about 20 pounds. 

Biggest goal, check off some goals on my bucket list! Yeah, I've got one off those. If you don't know what I'm talking about, its a list of stuff you wanna do before you die. I've got something like 80 things on my list. A lot of my goals on the bucket list include intense travelling, but otherwise it includes doing some cliche things.

Also, I am horrible at saving money, so I'm gunna try for that too. I've declared to my boyfriend that I don't think we'll be ready to get married until we're each financially stable. I am the opposite of financially stable at this point and therefore impeding myself from marrying the man of my dreams. The fact that I live with my college roommate's parents is no more attractive either. In our awesomely capitalist society I am as appealing as roadkill is to Gordon Ramsey. 

I s'pose I'll be updating on how this all goes. I hope that you're goals/resolutions work out well too. I'm trying to as realistic as possible with what I want to do this year. Peace out! Good luck!